An Envy Family Reunion
by dino kid
Summary: Envy is less then pleased when Hohenheim arrives asking to spend time with his eldest son. Dante and the others decided to follow and see what happens. hints of Envy/Wrath and slight Roy/Ed. This is a Redo of my original Envy Family Reunion


Envy was laying absentmindedly on the couch flipping through channels on the TV. All the other homunculus were busy doing other things. Gluttony was devouring a cow. Pride was making battle strategies, Lust was filing her nails, Sloth was reading a book to Wrath and Dante was drinking tea. There was a knock on the door. "Pride go get the door." Envy said.

Pride didn't look up "Lust go get the door." He said.

Lust in turn looked at Sloth "Sloth go get the door."

Sloth sighed and looked at Gluttony "Gluttony go get the door." She said.

Gluttony continued eating the cow, "Dante go get the door." He said.

Dante put a cube of sugar in her tea and then chucked the cup at Gluttony for giving her orders before speaking,"Envy go get the door and that's an order."

Envy groaned and got off his lazy butt and walked to the door slowly cursing under his breath about Dante making him do all the work. He opened it to reveal an adult with glasses golden hair and golden eyes. He looked at Envy kind of awkward

Before the man could speak Envy growled "Who the heck are you old man?" he barked and the man looked sad and hung his head.

"I deserve the cold attitude from you son," he said "it's me your dad, Von Hoenheim." He said suddenly Dante was behind Envy with a pistol in hand pointed at Hohenheims head.

"Get lost asshole." Envy said about to slam the door shut.

"Um I know you probably don't want to see me but I would really love to be able to spend time with my eldest son." Hoenheim said, ignoring Dante aiming a gun at him, "oh, hi Dante, I'm stealing out son." He said actually dragging our favorite homunculus out the mansion.

"Damn….if only he was 3 centimeters closer I could have shot Hoenheims brains out" Dante whinned putting the pistol inside her purse. The other homunculus didn't even seem to notice Envy was gone. Or they didn't care.

"Let me go you fucking idiot! I SAID LET ME GO!" Envy roared while being kidnapped by his father.

Hoenheim stopped and let Envy go "OK, but I just wanted to have some quality time with my son." He said sadly.

"Do that with the Elrics! There your brats two aren't they?" Envy spat

"But you're my first born, and I abandoned you when I tried to resurrect you…." Hoenheim started, still sounding emo.

"YEA! And THAT IS WHY I HATE YOU!" Envy snarled ready to kill this man. Instead he punched a random man walking by in the head crushing the skull and killing him instantly.

"That must hurt" Hoenheim said crouching down and poking the dead body with a stick. After a minute of poking the corpse he got back up and tackled Envy "PLEASE just let me redeem myself as a poor father by having fun with you" he begged though what he said did not sound right to people walking by and they gave disgusted or disturbed looks at the two.

Envy sighed twitching his eye "ALRIGHT!" He spat "I will give you the rest of today to hang out with me got it!" he growled and Hoenheim nearly jumped up and down like Wrath in joy.

"You won't regret this son!" he said

"I already am regretting it." Envy muttered "And quit calling my Son, my name is Envy." He stated coldly.

"OK" Hohenheim said and Envy walked ahead of his father. After a few minutes Envy felt like he was being stared at and quickly turned around to see Hohenheim staring at his hair.

"What?" Envy growled trying to keep calm, or at least calm enough not to go on a savage rampage.

Hoenheim pointed at Envy's hair "it's... It's like a palm tree." He said and Envy lost it

"IT IS NOT LIKE A PALM TREE! THIS IS MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR THAT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE A PALM TREE!"

Hoenheim was hiding behind a tree "alright! It's nothing like a palm tree got it so-Envy." He corrected himself before Envy had another rage attack "So Envy, Why don't we go to this nice little place I can not remember what it is called and get something to drink and talk." Hohenheim offered.

Envy shrugged "why not and I think your talking about a café" He pointed out. _My dad is an idiot. _He thought at least it's better then with Wrath. Envy smiled at not being bothered by Wrath and who has to be bothered by him today. They walked into a small café and Hoenheim looked at the sign that read

**Curtis Café **

"Why does the name Curtis sound so familiar?" Envy asked as they walked in. There were not many people in it and that was how Envy liked it. He walked to a small booth in the corner followed by his dad Hoenheim. They were greeted by a woman with black dredlocks and looked supiciously a lot like Wrath.

Envy wondered if he was supposed to know who this woman was, but shrugged it off.

"Hello I am Izumi Curtis, tell me what you want now," She ordered.

Hoenheim thought a minute, "Can I have a burger and fries?" He asked looking like a little kid.

"WE ARE NOT MC DONALDS YOU FUCKING IDIOT! THIS IS A CAFE NOT A FAST FOOD PLACE!" Izumi roared, her dredlocks loking like snakes

Envy sighed, "He'll have green tea, I'll have coffee," the homunculus ordered.

"Coffee?" Hoenheim asked, not knowing that Homunculus drank coffee.

Envy nodded clearly annoyed "Yes Einstein COFFEE, spelt C-O-F-F-E-E." he said irritated.

"Oh….I always thought it was spelt C-O-F-E-Y" He said blankly.

"You are not very smart are you?" he asked.

Hoenheim then slammed his head against the table as a depressing air surrounded him, "Why does everyone keep saying that?" Hoenheim whined

"I can not be related to you in any way." Envy decided only making him even sadder,

"Here is your tea and coffee." Izumi said as she put down a plate with the two drinks and walked away behind the counter.

"So what are some things you like to do?" Hohenheim asked Envy

Envy just shrugged. "Kill people, beat the snot out of Wrath, annoy Dante, and hunt down the Elrics." He said plainly resting his chin on his hand as Hoenheim looked a bit nervous.

"So you like killing people? Well that is unusual." He said trying to be nice.

Envy shrugged and looked out the window, "Not really, its sort a past time for us Homunculus." He said as he drank some of his coffee.

"So what is it like being a homunculus?" Hoenheim asked "To be immortal and have all your wounds regenerate?"

Envy arched an eyebrow at him in curiosity. "You should of all people know how it feels to be immortal" he said leaning back. "But being a Homunculus does have a lot of downsides." He said

"Like what?" Hoenheim asked, wanting to know what kind of down sides there could be.

"Well like when I trie to kill Wrath, he won't die, I have to deal with all the others forever… and well the others are annoying as hell." Envy stated looking out the window, he could have swore he saw something move in the bush over there

"Ok so Hoenheim is not dead yet, Envy must actually be trying to control his temper." Dante said from behind the bush to Lust, Pride, Sloth, Wrath, and Gluttony. She reached in her purse and pulled out a sniper. How the hell it fit in her purse the world will never know.

"I just need one good shot and Hohenheim is dead." She said and Lust put a hand on the sniper.

"I think it would be more entertaining if we let Envy kill the guy." Lust said calmly and Dante reluctantly put the sniper back in her purse, the others silently wondering how the hell it was able to fit inside of a purse.

"But if he fails can I shoot Hoenheim with my sniper?" she asked, looking and sounding like a kid. Even pouting much to the horror of others.

"Sure why not?" Lust said pulling out a pair of binoculars from her cleavage and continued spying on Envy and Hohenheim.

"Let us hope Envy doesn't find out that were spying on him." She said.

Wrath tugged on the hem of her dress, "Can we have binoculars as well?" He asked.

Lust dug into her cleavage and pulled out five more binoculars and handed it to them as the six of them continued to spy of the two.

"So, do you want to go to the Amusement Park?" Hoenheim asked and Envy raised his head

"Amusement Park? Is it fun?" he asked "It should be since it has Amusement in it though." Envy continued. "Lets go." He said getting up and dragging Hohenheim out of the Café without paying for there drinks causing a pissed off Izumi to tramutate a giant fist giving them teh birdie.

"Wow, I have never been here before." Envy said in amazement at the entrance of the Amusement park called Amestria Land, it even had a water park and large dangerous looking roller coasters.

Envy was so amazed and excited about this place as Hohenheim walked up with the tickets Envy dragged him in the lair of fun the first thing he saw was a steel trasmutated rollercoaster called the 'Killer', though it was the name that hooked Envy more so then the look of the roller coaster.

Envy dragged poor Hoenheim who didnt even get a chance to put his wallet back into his pocket to the ride.

"You here on a date with the older guy?" The person who worked there asked and put something down so he couldn't fall down. -A rail he thinks it was called.

"Heck no, he's my father!" Envy shot back at him, disgusted at the mere idea of being on a...*Shiver*...DATE with the old man.

As the ride went Envy made a pose for each camera that they went by grinning as Hohenheim clutched the rail for dear life, as the ride ended Envy jumped out laughing. "That was AMAZING! Let's do it again!" Envy said dragging Hoenheim back on the evil ride.

Poor Hoenheim almost fainted!

After about 6 rides on it Hoenheim finally vomited. "Ugh why don't we go on a ride less fast?" he asked "like that River ride over there" he said looking at the ride.

"Alright but this place is awesome." Envy said as they got into the freakishly, unnaturally long line.

The line was full of so many annoying people that Envy snapped and killed half the people in the line, though none of the security came up and stopped him and no one seemed to notice the pile of corpses on the ground.

When the ride ended both were soaked to the bone in water. Envy turned into a wolf and shook the water all onto Hohenheim and turned back into his Palm Tree Look Alike form.

A big ride suddenly caught Envy's eye "How about we go on that one? The Homunculus?" He asked evilly, it was the largest rollercoaster in the whole amusement park! And the most dangerous looking one. To Envy, the rides name fit.

Hoenheim went completly white, momentarily wondering if spending the day with Envy was really just a death wish, and did the most intelligent response possible; "Uhhhhhhh..."

When It was there turn to get in it Hohenheim was scared Envy was happy.

"YAY! It's our turn!" Envy said as he hopped into the seat up front Hoenheim followed after him not as excited and the roller coaster went off.

It started slowly and went up the very high first hill that took a few minutes and then everything was fast especially scary

"YAHOO!" Envy yelled hands in the air, Hoenheim clutching this rail for dear life also and as the ride went to the bumps Envy was laughing and then Hohenheim screaming like a five year old girl as it started doing the loops.

After dragging Hoenheim on the ride two more times, even Envy was getting dizzy.

"Best time ever." He said getting out wobbly as Hohenheim followed barley able to stand. "You sit there Hohenheim. I'm gonna get you some lemonade Kay." Envy said as Hohenheim sat on a bench, his head now in the clouds over the fact that his first born son Envy, the Envy who killed Hughes, who hated his other two sons, who loved to kill, who hated Hohenheim, was getting him a drink! Without even being asked or it being mentioned!

A few minutes later Envy handed Hohenheim a glass of lemonade. It tasted really funky and looked a little odd but Hohenheim decided not to question it, it was good enough since it was Envy who gave him it. Envy just watched with a mischevious grin, snickering as Hoenheim drank the lemonade.

"You want to go see a movie? Alchemists is in the theater." Envy offered and Hohenheim nodded, his mouth holding a horrible taste from the weird lemonade.

Though as expected, Envy made them sit in the first row and were they would see the see the fight the best and be the more startled due to the closeness to the screen. Though it was very dead silent in the theater which was empty due to while waiting for the movie to start, Envy got pissed off at the fact the others in the theater wouldn't shut up and killed them, though no one questioned the pile of corpses in teh theater.

Envy laughed at the soldiers and the blood, calling them weak humans and wannabes and how violent the movie was in general.

"BEST movie ever," Envy decided as they walked out, loving the battle and the blood the movie had in it and laughing at it.

though his laughter would die down instantly at the voice that yelled out next.

"DAD? ENVY?" Ed yelled, staning beside Roy, pointing an accusing finger at them.

Envy rolled his eyes, "If it isn't Pipsqeak and the Colonel." He muttered.

"WHO YOU CALLING SO SHORT AN ANT COULD CRUSH HIM!" Ed roared.

"Hi,Ed." Hoenheim greeted and looked at the flame alchemists curiously, "Hello, Colonel." He said.

"Hello, Mr. Hoenheim." Roy greeted as he wandered off to flirt with an employee, not at all noticing or caring about the homunculus who killed his best friend staning there.

Ed glared "What are YOU guys doing here and what are you doing with Envy?" Ed growled thinking his father had sided with the Homunculus.

"Spending quality time with my eldest son." Hoenheim said innocently.

Envy smirked, "Yeah twerp im your elder half BROTHER, betcha didn't see that coming."

Eds eyes widened and he dropped to his knees "NOOOO EVERYTHING I HAVE KNOWN HAS BEEN A LIE!" he wailed having a mental breakdown.

Roy dropped to his knees and attempted to calm the small alchemist down and he looked at them in horror, "What did you do to my boyfriend?" He wailed.

Hoenheim blinked, "Edwards gay?"

Envy laughed,"You're a pedophile?"

"Not important! what did you do to him?" Roy demanded.

Envy shrugged, "Just told him the truth, that I'm his older brother," he said calmly.

Roy stared in horror and fell to his knees, "EVERYTHING MY ED HAS TOLD ME IS A LIE!" He screamed having his own mental breakdown.

Envy laughed and began poking an unresponsive Edward and Roy with a stick while Hoenheim tried to figure out why knowing Envy was his son was putting them in shock.

Envy stood up, "Let's go, dad," He said, bored of poking Fullmetal and the Colonel now.

Hoenheim stared in shock at Envy, who looked at him in annoyance, "What?" Envy demanded.

The older of the two looked at his shoes, "You...you called me 'dad'," He said softly.

Envy rolle his eyes, "Yeah, you ARE my dad aren't you?" He said irritated.

Hoenheim looked up, "Oh, yeah I am, It's just that i never expected you to accept me as your father." He said embarrasedly, "I mean, i'm not really a good father.

Envy just started walking, "Whatever, you got accepted when you helped put Fullmetal Pipsqueak and his boyfriend Colonel in shock." He stated.

The sun was setting and the two were eating ice-cream that Envy took from a Icecream cart after beating up it's vendor.

"Well I ought to get going now." Envy said as he noticed the time, getting up from the bench Hoenheim trasmutated. "it was really fun dad." Envy admitted.

Hoenheim smiled "I have two things for you Envy," he said "one is an offer to stay with me, travel the world with me." He started as Envy raised an eyebrow, "the other is a souvenir." He said pulling out a picture with Wrath shirtless on it. "I found it in Sloths room when I thought it was yours." He explained as Envy stared at the picture.

"And you kept it...why?" the homunculus asked.

Hohenheim blinked, "I thought you would like it."

Envy raised an eyebrow, "And you were trying to get into my room, why?" He added.

"So I could take something that belonged to you to remember you by." was the response.

Envy decided to drop it, he didn't want to know what things went through the alchemists mind.

Suddenly Envy stepped in front of Hoenheim just as a hidden Dante pulled the trigger on her sniper ending up shooting Envy in the back.

"ENVY!" Hoenheim cried out catching his son as he collapsed, blood running down his back. "Envy! Are you alright? I need a doctor now!" He yelled out.

Envy gritted his teeth in pain as he reached up and yanked on Hoenheims beard harshly as an attempt to hurt him, "Dad...I'm sorry you're a shitty father." He said as his hand fell and hsi body went limp.

"Envy? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hoenheim cried out as he cradeled his dead son.

Lust stood up from a bush, "Envy, you're a homunculus, a bullet wound wont kill you, just heal." She said boredly.

Envy opened his eyes, "Oh yeah." He said as the wound healed, he pushed Hoenheim away very harshly and stood up. "Hey, pops, why's mom a crazy bitch?" he asked.

Hoenheim rubbed his shouldar, "No clue...old age making her mind more frail?" He offered.

Envy shrugged, satisfied with the answer, walked over to Dante who was crouched in a bush wearing military camoflauge and snapped her sniper in half. then proceded to beat the shit out of the old hag with it.

Satisfied with his work, he walked towards Hoenheim, "By the way, I accept your offer," He said and Hoenheim squealed like a little girl with glee. "On one condition," Envy finished with a smirk as they walked away.

Lust walked over to Dantes bleading form and pulled a first aid kit from her cleavage and began to patch Dante up, then stopped and wandered off as she saw a passing 'Make your Breasts Bigger' plastic surgery truck, and Gluttony walked up to Dante and ate her.

20 minutes later

"WOOHOO!" Envy yelled driving his new once-belonging-to-Dante red convertible as it wizzed past everything at 60 miles per hour, Hoenheim was scared to death and clutching anything he could, remains of Greed on the front of the car after running him over repeatedly as the guy walked out of the Devils Nest, somehow mannaging to actually kill him.

"BEST DAY EVER!" Envy screamed as they drove out of town with the shirtless picture of Wrath tapped to the dashboard.

**How Dante could keep guns in her purse is as much of a mystery as how Lust could fit so many things in her cleavage and not have them show. Also if anyone can guess what Envy did to the lemonade gets a virtual cookie.**


End file.
